Stoke Factor - January 2011

It's a new year, which means twelve new months chock full of cool stuff to get excited for.  I'm announcing it right now: one of my New Year's resolution is to be just as geeky as possible this year, and since I'm single with absolutely new girlfriend prospects, I think I can pull it off.  Huzzah!!

Music:

Times of Grace - The Hymn of a Broken Man (1/18)

Former Killswitch Engage bandmates re-unite for this record, and judging by the first single, "Strength in Numbers", and the clips of other songs the band's posted, this one's gonna rock pretty hard.

Also: Cake - Showroom of Compassion (1/11), Social Distortion - Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes (1/18), Motorhead - The World is Yours (1/25)

Movies:

The Mechanic (1/28)

Jason Statham kicks some booty in this one.  That's about all you need for a cool flick.

Also: The Green Hornet (1/14), Ong Bak 3 (1/14), The Company Men (1/21)

DVD:

Machete (1/4)

Danny Trejo throws down hard core in this over-the-top butt-booter.  Watch it with someone you love.

Also: Dinner for Schmucks (1/4), The Social Network (1/11), Buried (1/18), RED (1/25)

Other:

The NFL Play-offs

The best sports tournament in the world.  It doesn't drag on forever like sports that have multiple play-off series, and, unlike major college football, there's a legitimate champion crowned at the end of it all. 

Makin' Waves in the Kiddie Pool - Chapter 5

Cats Don't Dance

The Players: Starry-eyed movie star wanna-be Danny (Scott Bakula), cynical Sawyer (Jasmine Guy), spoiled, barely-out-of-diapers diva Darla Dimple (Ashley Peldon), and a menagerie of supporting characters.

The Story: Danny comes to Hollywood with a plan to be a movie star by the end of the week.  One problem: Animals don't get to be the center of attention in the movies.  Will Danny convince the humans that animals can be stars?  Will he give up on his dream?  Will the fiendish Darla Dimple continue to hog the spotlight?  Will the songs have you singing along?

The Good:  It looks pretty good.  The colors are bright, the characters fun to look at.  There are plenty of funny references to classic Hollywood stars.  The supporting cast is voiced by great performers like John Rhys-Davies, Kathy Najimy, and Don Knotts.  Bakula is pretty great as Danny; his voice is practically unrecognizable.  I loved Darla Dimple's gargantuan manservant, Max.  And it's a short movie, although that's a double-edged sword.

The Bad: The characters were so over-the-top that they were hard to believe in more subtle moments.  This spastic, over-the-top characterization seemed familiar to me, so I checked IMDB, and sure enough, the guy who directed this is Mark Dindal, the same guy who did Chicken Little.  Mr. Dindal is all about spectacle, and it gets tiring.  The writers didn't really bother to build any characters, instead giving us easily-recognized one-dimensional archetypes.  The songs aren't very catchy.  It's a little too short, as if all the stuff that would give the story and characters some depth got cut in favor of mayhem.  Maybe the film makers really believe that movie audiences only like flicks that are big and loud.

Lessons Learned: Chase your dream, and everything will work out.

Would I Let My (Theoretical) Kids Watch?: I don't know.  I guess it would depend on how much they whine to see it.

Would I Watch It Again?: No way.  It wasn't a particularly awful movie, but I've seen this kind of story done much better before.  Don't worry, though.  I heard James Cameron's basing Avatar 2 off this flick.  So we'll see it done worse, too.   

Up Next: Spy Kids

Pick Six - Week 17

This is it, folks.  Last weekend of the NFL regular season.  I haven't been blogging too much lately thanks to the Holidays and my being pretty sick, and I considered skipping this week.  But, that wouldn't be too cool, and getting through the season with a winning record feels like a (rather small) accomplishment.  Time to finish strong.

Vikings @ Lions

The Vikes shocked Mike Vick and the Eagles, but the Lions are on fire the past three games.  Joe Webb starts for the Vikes, and I think a boy named Suh's gonna make his life miserable.
Vikings 14  Lions 16

Raiders @ Chiefs

Not a lot on the line here.  The Chiefs have already won the division, meaning the Raiders don't even get to play spoiler.  The Chiefs are hard to beat at home, and they'll prove that once again.
Raiders 16  Chiefs 20

Buccaneers @ Saints

The Bucs have microscopic playoff hopes but just don't have the talent to beat the Saints in the Big Easy.  But, watch out for the Bucs next year...
Buccaneers 14  Saints 30

Bears @ Packers

More on the line for the Packers in this game, and Aaron Rodgers looked unstoppable last week.  Watch for the Pack's D-line to really harass Jay Cutler, if he plays.
Bears 23  Packer 31

Cowboys @ Eagles

Mike Vick's sitting this one out, but Kevin Kolb's pretty good, too.  Still, the 'Boys are looking to end strong, and Stephen McGhee looked pretty solid against the Cardinals.  And the Eagles have issues on defense.
Cowboys 27  Eagles 21

Rams @ Seahawks

It's hard to play up in Seattle, but the Seahawks are playing awful ball right now, and may have to start Charlie Whitehurst.  Sam Bradford's a safer bet, and the Rams will win the NFC West.
Rams 20  Seahawks 13

Last Week: 4-2  Overall: 59-37

Merry Christmas!!!

Have a safe and wonderful Christmas, folks!!

And may Santa leave you all kinds of kick-ass goodies!!

Pick Six - Week 16

Christmas is almost upon us.  That means the regular season is almost over, but there's still much to be decided as far as the play-offs go.  Let's get to the picks.

Cowboys @ Cardinals

The 'Boys are getting solid play out of John Kitna, and that's keeping them competitive.  The Cards might be the worst team in the NFL at the moment.
Cowboys 24  Cardinals 10

Jets @ Chicago

The beat beat an ailing Steelers squad without Troy Polamalu last week, so I'm not sure what that says about them.  Chicago might be better than anyone's giving them credit for.
Jet 17  Bears 23

Titans @ Chiefs

Hard to beat the Chiefs at Arrowhead.  Even though the Titans seemed to get rolling again last week, I don't think they can take the Chiefs.
Titans 20  Chief 27

49ers @ Rams

Hey Coach Singletary, how's all that QB flip-flopping you've been doing working out for you?
49ers 13  Rams 21

Colts @ Raiders

Did the Colts finally figure out how to run the ball?  Will they remember against the Raiders?
Colts 23  Raider 13

Saints @ Falcons

Hard to sweep a team like New Orleans, but Matty Ice and the Falcons don't lose much at home.
Saints 24  Falcons 27

Last Week: 4-2  Overall: 55-35

Makin' Waves in the Kiddie Pool - Chapter 4

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

The Players:  insecure former piano-playing prodigy/toy store manager Molly Mahoney (Natalie Portman), her eccentric boss Mr. Magorium (Dustin Hoffman), the store's best customer, Eric (Zach Mills), and accountant Henry (Jason Bateman)

The Story:  Molly feels stuck in life and decides it's time for her to move on and leave her job at the Wonder Emporium.  Unbeknownst to her, Mr Magorium is also planning on leaving and the store, which is imbued with the emotional characteristics of little kids, starts throwing a fit.  It's up to Molly, with help from Eric and Henry, to figure out who she is and return the store to its more magical, colorful state.

The Good:  The opening credits are cool, reminiscent of Saul Bass's work on Hitchcock flicks back in the day.  The acting's is pretty solid, with Miss Portman and Mr. Bateman giving especially good performances.  The movie addresses death in a way that won't upset kids.  And Natalie Portman looks pretty hot, no matter how long her her is.  (Not sure how much that'll matter to the kids.)  Oh, and dancing on a big sheet of bubble wrap is a pretty good idea.

The Bad:  This movie isn't really bad, it's just very, very average.  I got pretty bored about twenty minutes in.  The story isn't all that different from tons of other we-gotta-save-the-place-we-hang-out-at movies.  The toys are pretty cool, but after seeing what toys can do in Toy Story, they just don't seem that impressive.  Dustin Hoffman's lispy performance is odd enough to be annoying but not quirky enough to be really original.  I think this movie has been aimed at very young children, and because of that, it doesn't offer much to the rest of us.

Lessons Learned:  If you believe in yourself, your life can be anything you wish it to be.

Would I Let My (Theoretical) Kids Watch?:  Yeah, although I have a feeling that older kids might get a little bored watching.

Would I Watch It Again?:  Not by choice.

Up Next:  Cats Don't Dance

The Greatest Movies I've Ever Seen - Die Hard

If you ask folks what their favorite Christmas movie is, you're likely to get a whole litany of answers.  Some folks prefer the classics, like It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street.  Some might give you a more contemporary title, like The Polar Express or Elf.  A few will tell you they dig on against-the-grain stuff like Bad Santa, and still other will tell you they don't have one.  I opt for none of the above.  My favorite Christmas flick is Die Hard.

Now, I know what you're thinking: in what universe is Die Hard a Christmas movie?!  My answer: this one.  Die Hard has everything a good Christmas movie should have.  There's Christmas music on the sound track.  There's a big holiday party.  There's an exchange of gifts.  True these are gifts of bullets of brutal beat-downs, but they're gifts nonetheless.  There's even a dude hanging out on the roof, waiting to bring surprises to those waiting on the floors below.

OK, so maybe that's stretching the Christmas thing a little thin.  Still, Die Hard is an excellent movie, and it has almost nothing to do with the action set pieces and everything to do with the characters, in particular John McClane and Hans Gruber.

Bruce Willis wasn't yet a huge movie star when he did Die Hard.  He had been successful on TV, but his portrayal of John McClane made him a big screen superstar.  Willis's portrayal of McClane is a bit of a riff on the old tried and true reluctant hero that dudes like Humphrey Bogart created.  McClane doesn't want to have to get violent, but finds himself in a situation where he has no other choice.  Willis also made McClane a bit of a wise-ass.  He cracks jokes even in the face of serious jeopardy.  He's funny, and that makes him likable.  He's also vulnerable.  He can be hurt, a point most graphically rendered when his feet get shredded after he runs through broken glass.  He still manages to perform some pretty super-human feats, but at least you know that he bleeds.  It's this combination of traits that make you care about the guy, and that makes the action scenes tense, 'cuz you don't want to see McClane get hurt.  Willis's performance as John McClane became a template for many action heroes who followed.

Of course, a hero is only as good as his adversary, and Die Hard has one of the best villains ever put on the screen.  Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman, is one ruthless, hardcore S.O.B., but he's so cool it's hard to root against him.  He's got style, he's smart, and he's uber-charismatic.  Gruber, like McClane has a sense of humor, and their verbal jousting creates some of the movie's best moments.  One of the best scenes come when Gruber affects an awful American accent to trick McClane.  Rickman is so good as Hans Gruber, that you almost want to see him get away, to tangle with McClane again later down the line.

Those two characters are about all you need to have a great movie, but luckily, we get a whole bunch of good action, too.  Gun play, a couple big explosions, fist fights; they all work because we get invested in McClane and Gruber.  Also, I have to mention Reginald VelJohnson's  Sgt. Powell, who befriends McClane and has a thing for Twinkies.  He's a great character, too.  The use of "Ode to Joy" in the score is pretty amusing.  All in all, it's a very tasty combination of elements that's fun to sample any time of the year.  And if it can get you outta having to sit through Ron Howard's crappy Grinch movie during the holiday season, even better.   

The Christmas 2010 Playlist

Christmas is almost here, and you know what that means.  That's right.  It means I've been listening to Christmas music for about a month now.  I really love holiday songs.  They evoke a sense of warmth and nostalgia that no other music can.  Christmas music always makes me reflective, but also hopeful that the future holds much good.

Like anything else, not all Christmas music is good.  When it comes to Christmas stuff, I tend to favor old-school, traditional style songs over more contemporary, updated stuff.  So here's a list of Christmas songs that are really on my mind this year.  They aren't all old-school, and some of them are just plain goofy, but the common thread is that I love them all. 

(Note: A lot of these songs have been recorded and re-recorded so many times that there are dozens of different versions.  The versions I picked may not be the most recognized, but they're the versions I dig on the most.)

1.  "Jingle Bells" (Instrumental) by Brian Setzer (There's a version where Setzer sings, but I prefer the bad-ass guitar-shredding version.)

2.  "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby

3.  "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by John Denver and the Muppets (Beaker's "me-me-me-me-me-me" always cracks me up.)

4.  "Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC

5.  "Silent Night" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (My mom had a really pretty version of "Silent Night" by MoTab.)

6.  "What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)" from the Star Wars Christmas album (Might I suggest ammo for his bowcaster?)

7.  "Christmas Time is Here" by Vince Guaraldi

8.  "Santa Claus (I Still Believe in You)" by Alabama

9.  "Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley

10.  "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by Alvin & The Chipmunks

11.  "Home for the Holidays" by Perry Cuomo

12. "O Holy Night" by Kelly Clarkson  (Gorgeous, and it's just Kelly singing)

13.  "Snoopy's Christmas" by The Royal Guardsmen  (I've loved this tune since I was just little.)

14.  "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone  (First time I ever heard this tune was in Elf, so...)

15.  "Little St. Nick" by the Muppets  ('Cuz Animal get to yell "Run, run run!!!".)

16.  "Christmas with the Devil" by Spinal Tap  (Pretty damn funny, and as Sheldon Cooper says, what's life without whimsy?)

17.  "Santa's Beard" by the Beach Boys

18.  "O Come, All Ye Faithful" (Instrumental) by Trevor Rabin  (to make up for #16)

19.  "O Little Town of Bethlehem" by Nat King Cole (still making up for #16)

20.  "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" by Harry Connick, Jr.

That's that.  What's on your list?

Sun-Kissed Misery: Rantings of a Fed-Up Dol-Fan

Yesterday, the Miami Dolphins bungled away their 2010 play-off hopes with a miserable 17-14 loss to the Buffalo Bills in front of a hometown crowd.  It was a fitting way for the 'Phins' post-season hopes to be extinguished, considering that they're a pathetic 1-6 at home.  This has been an especially painful season to watch, because the 'Phins were supposed to take a big step toward relevancy.  Instead, this season has been the same mediocre morass of inconsistency we had to sit through last year. 

I've been a Dol-fan since grade school.  I thrilled to the exploits of Dan Marino, Mark Clayton, and Mark Duper.  I was so upset after they got blown out by Joe Montana and the evil 49ers that I cried.  But it was okay, because back then there was hope.  As long as Dan the Man was chucking the ball for the 'Phins, it seemed like they were a play-off contender. 

Eventually, though, time caught up to Dan the Man and he retired.  The years have not been kind to my Dolphins.  Dave Wannstedt couldn't bring back the winning.  Niether could Nick Saban, who ran for the hills the first chance he got.  Cam Cameron was finished before he really ever started, his lone season at the helm resulting in a 1-15 nightmare.

In those darkest of days came a ray of shining hope.  The team hired Bill Parcells to right the ship.  Parcells had coached his way to two Super Bowl championships with the Giants, and had left every team he'd ever been associated with better than he found it.  He seemed to envision the Dolphins as a tough, disciplined squad that run the ball and played good defense.  Salvation was right around the corner.

The Dolphins 2008 season was the stuff of Hollywood movie fantasy.  With their roster full of Parcells Guys, a retread starting quarterback, and their Wildcat offensive package, the 'Phins rolled to an 11-5 record and an AFC East crown.  They were young, and it seemed that hope had been restored.  Then reality smacked the 'Phins over the head.  They fell to 7-9 in 2009 and look headed for a similar fate this year.  I think I've seen enough.

To be honest, I'd rather the Dolphins be 1-15 again than this flirting-with-.500 club that they've been the past two years.  When you're 1-15, you know you suck and there's only one way to go: up.  At 7-9, you don't really suck, but you're damn sure not good.  The Dolphins this year have been incredibly inconsistent.  They have a talented roster.  But, they can't perform well on a weekly basis.  Chad Henne, the quarterback, seems to like to play catch with opposing DBs.  The running game, powered by Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, has potential to be very productive, but it's never used enough to get into a rhythm.  Part of the blame for that falls on the offensive coordinator, Dan Henning, who seems hell-bent on passing, as if forcing Henne to throw the ball around will turn him into the second coming of Marino.  The defense has also been streaky, although lately they've been solid.

If I was the Dolphins owner, I'd be very concerned about the product I was putting on the field.  Mediocrity would not be accepted.  But I'm not the owner, Stephen Ross is, and he seems more interested in finding celebrities to buy pieces of the team and building entertainment at the stadium.  On top of that, Parcells has left the team, and now it looks like Jeff Ireland is at the reins.  Bad news, I think. 

They say there's a first time for everything, and I guess that's true.  For the first time in his career, Parcells hasn't left a team he worked for better than he found it.  You could argue that the 'Phins were 1-15 the year before Big Tuna showed up, and that's true, but the team has never really improved since he was hired.  It's like they got to average and Parcells said "That'll do, Fish".  So thanks for nothing, Tuna.

All this misery has been exacerbated by the fact that the Patriots have had so much success over the past decade.  Belichick, Brady, and the boys have (allegedly?...) cheated their way to three Lombardi Trophies and are always in the mix for play-off contention.  The Jets have turned things around under Rex Ryan, although I don't think they play as well as they talk smack.  Hell, even the Bills seem to have found their way under Chan Gailey this season.  The Dolphins?  Spinning their wheels.  And they don't seem to bothered about improving.  I've been a Dol-fan for too damn long to just say screw it and start rooting for an up-and-comer like the Falcons, but lately I'm thinking that may be the way to go.  Or maybe I should just stop watching football altogether, because then I wouldn't feel like I betrayed my team.  And I'd have one less excuse for sluffing church, too.

Crush of the Week!!!!

COTW has been getting into Dexter the past couple of weeks.  Great show, although it took two or three episodes to get the show's sense of humor.  Season Two features the red-hot Jaime Murray in a key role as Lila Tournay, Dexter's pyromaniac Narcotics Anonymous sponsor/lover.  Miss Murray, whose father is actor Bill Murray (not Ghostbusters Bill Murray, but a Bill Murray nonetheless), has appeared on TV shows like NCIS and The Mentalist, and has a recurring role on the SyFy Channel's Warehouse 13.  Hopefully, big things are in store and we'll soon be seeing a lot more of Jaime Murray, this week's Crush of the Week!!!!

Makin' Waves in the Kiddie Pool - Chapter 3

The Muppet Movie

The Players:  Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear, The Great Gonzo, Miss Piggy, and the rest of the Muppets gang

The Story: Kermit set out on a cross-country jaunt to become a millionaire movie star.  Along the way he meet Fozzie, a down-on-his-luck comedian, rockers Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, beauty queen Miss Piggy, and what ever the Hell Gonzo is. 

The Good:  This was a great flick.  It reminded me of the anarchic comedy of the Marx Brothers.  The laughs come from witty wordplay, wacky sight gags, and the pure zaniness of the characters.  The songs were wonderful, especially "The Rainbow Connection" and "Movin' Right Along".  Tons of celebrities show up for cameo roles, and I especially enjoyed seeing James Coburn, Steve Martin, and Orson Welles.  Though, anyone who doesn't know a lot about old movies won't get much out of the cameos.  Bottom line:  I'm not what you'd call a Muppets fan, but you just can't not like the Muppets.

The Bad:  It does look a bit dated in comparison to contemporary movies.  And the resolution to the climax was a little weak.  That's it.  The rest is gold.

Lessons Learned: Follow your dreams and don't let anyone or anything stop you.

Would I Let My (Theoretical) Kids Watch?: Absolutely.  It's different than what they'd be used to seeing. what with all the CG animation out there these days, and they might not get all the jokes, but it is a fun movie that kids should get a kick out of.

Would I Watch It Again?: Hells yes!!  In fact I think I may go turn it on again right now.

Next:  Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

When Ozzy Get In The Christmas Mood, Run Away Fast!!

I'm not sure where this clip is from, but it's one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen.  Ozzy, the Prince of Darkness himself, frolics in the snow while singing "Winter Wonderland".  With Jessica Simpson.  Seriously.  And what's up with the dude playing the piano?!  And do you think the Ozzman's blood was moving around just a bit when Miss Simpson was rubbing up on him?  Truly bizarre, I tell you.

Pick Six - Week 15

Lots to do today, so I'll keep this short and sweet.  The picks:

Saints 30  Ravens 17
Jaguars 17  Colts 24
Bills 20  Dolphins 16
Eagles 28  Giants 20
Jets 13  Steelers 17
Bears 21  Vikings 14

Last Week: 5-1  Overall: 51-33

Damn Right, I Believe In Santa!!

This time of year is rough for several reasons.  The constant pressure to buy stuff is exhausting.  The crush of people everywhere you go is enough to make you wanna open fire with an uzi sometimes.  The whole corporate slant on a holiday that's really about love is sickening.  Then there's the self-righteous windbags who want to take the gift-giving aspect of Christmas and flush it down the toilet.  On top of that, this is the time of year I miss my lost loved ones the most, and detest being single and not having anyone to share the holiday season with.  Mostly, though, it's the spend-spend-spend-buy-buy-buy aspect of Christmas that makes me wanna puke.

It's when I get in a Grinchy mood that I remember why I love Christmas so much.  It's because of Santa Claus.  No, not the rotund, red-clad beard enthusiast who brings presents to kids.  I'm talking about the spirit that causes people to be their best during the holidays.  There's something that comes into some peoples hearts this time of year, and they can't help being good.  They think of others before they think of themselves.  They help out the less-fortunate and derive joy from giving themselves away.  Isn't that essentially what makes Santa Claus so special?  That he can look beyond his own needs and make others happy?  Anyone who becomes bitten by that spirit and loses themselves in service to others has essentially become Santa Claus.

I will always believe in Santa, for a very specific reason.  A few years back, Purple Princess, my little niece, was diagnosed with leukemia right after Thanksgiving.  Her parents didn't have a ton of money, and it seemed Christmas that year would be hard to come by with her Mom and Dad road-tripping it back and forth all the time.  A dark pall hung over our whole family that year as we came to realize what lay ahead for our sweet little Bug.  Christmas was ruined before it ever really got started.  And that's when the magic happened.  Without being asked to, dozens of people came forth to help give Purple Princess's family a Christmas.  Presents showed up from various sources: Grandpa's work, Dad's work, local church-goers, ect.  People cooked meals, watched the other kids, and brought treats.  They gave and gave and gave.  As I watched the title wave of love and support that had descended upon my little Purple Princess and her family, I couldn't help but think that I was seeing Santa Claus's handiwork, right before my eyes.  There could be no better evidence of the dude's existence.  So many people did so much, for no other reason than they cared enough to want to help.  That doesn't happen that often.

Purple Princess passed away a few months later, and while that sucked beyond all that had ever sucked, I'm kinda glad I went through it, if only to see the kindness that ordinary humans are capable of.  It restored my faith in humanity, and even though I struggle to get along with others to this day, I know everyone has the potential to do great and amazing things, even if it's buried so deep it's like drilling for oil to bring it out.  For a time, I got to witness people giving the best of themselves, and it's something that will never leave me.  The drive to be there for and take care of others it what I believe Christmas is all about.  That's what I believe Santa represents; willingness to give yourself away and care for others more than yourself.  That's what I saw that with my very own eyes during that Christmas season.  And that's why I'll always believe in Santa Claus.   

Makin' Waves in the Kiddie Pool - Chapter 2

Chicken Little

The Players: Scrawny teen-ager Chicken Little (Zach Braff), his dad Buck Cluck (Garry Marshall), and his homies Abby Mallard (Joan Cusack), Runt of the Litter (Steve Zahn), Fish out of Water (Dan Molina)

The Story: An updated and expanded version of the classic fable, Chicken Little ruins his own reputation when he claims a piece of the sky smacked him in the head.  He has trust issues with his dad.  His friends are all rejects.  And he get picked on by Foxy Loxy (Amy Sedaris).  He rebuilds his standing by hitting a home run in the big baseball game, and seems to patch up his relationship my his dad.  Then the sky falls on him again.

The Good: Some clever references to Indiana Jones, King Kong, and Star Wars.  Appearances by Patrick Warburton and Adam West are kinda fun.  That's about it.

The Bad: First off, this is not a very good-looking movie.  It's not quite colorful or bright enough.  The characters are annoying, especially Runt, who's like the kiddie movie equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard.  The story boils down to a kid trying to win over his dad, and it's not particularly resonant.  The opening sequence is pretty entertaining, but the rest of the movie kinda sags.  Finally, that is not where crop circles come from.  Where the Hell were the math students with plywood slabs?

Lessons Learned: That kids need to be who they're gonna be, and their parents need to support them.

Would I Let My (Theoretical) Kids Watch?:  That's a tough one.  I can see kids digging this movie, and there is a message for them to glean from it.  However, there are a lot of movies built on this same theme that are far better executed, and not nearly so dense.  I guess I'll leave this one up to my (theoretical) wife.

Would I Watch It Again?:  Only if I got payed thousands of dollars and a lifetime supply of Jelly Bellies.  (Jelly Bellies are freaking awesome!!) 

Crush of the Week!!!!

COTW wanted to get this up yesterday, but didn't get around to it.  So... This week COTW has been catching up on The Big Bang Theory and has decided to gives props to Kaley Cuoco.  Miss Cuoco plays Penny, the hot female lead on the show.  Her interactions with Jim Parsons (Sheldon) are some of the funniest stuff on the show.  She also starred in 8 Simple Rules, and was even a nationally ranked amateur tennis player when she was younger.  Let's have a volley of applause for Kaley Cuoco, this week's Crush of the Week!!!!

Stupid Haiku Is Back

Hip hip, hooray!!!  Today's haiku is dedicated to my favorite creepy crawler.

Spider Haiku

Poor little Spider
Just minding your own business
Die, you hellspawn, die!!

Hello Me, Meet Gangsta Me

This week, I've kinda gotten burned out on metal.  Not that I hate and I'll never listen to it again.  I just need to switch it up a bit.  Usually, I go with guitar pop stuff like Weezer, but I'm kinda tired of that stuff, too.  I was digging through my CD collection, when I found something that would definitely be a change up.  In a box in a dusty corner of my room, I found two CDs I haven't played in years: Straight Outta Compton by N.W.A. and O.G. Original Gangster by Ice-T.

To explain how a fat white boy from rural Idaho wound up owning two seminal pieces of gangster rap, I have to take you back a long way in time.  I was in my junior year in high school, and totally addicted to metal.  Hair metal, thrash metal, old-school metal, it was all good.  It was around that time that my friend HJH moved to town.  HJH came in from California, complete with crazy skater hair, and a whole collection of music I'd never heard before.  As we became friends, we learned that we liked a lot of the same type of stuff.  We both dug Megadeth and Anthrax, and stuff like that.  We both enjoyed trying to annoy the truck-driving cowboys.  We both loved Star Wars.  But HJH had a broader spectrum of musical taste than me.  

One day I went over to his place and he was listening to Ice-T.  My mind was blown.  My knowledge of rap was limited to the Beastie Boys, MC Hammer, and Anthrax's "I'm the Man".  I new nothing.  I'd never heard anything so angry in my life.  Ice-T cursed so much it made Axl Rose, who I thought was the high king of profanity, look like a boy scout.  Ice-T's music was gripping, authentic, dramatic.  Metal had a lot of cool riffs, but it lacked emotion, some that Ice-T had in spades.  I couldn't stop listening.  I went out and bought a copy of Original Gangster and listened to constantly for like month.  Later, I read an interview with Lars Ulrich (he was still pretty cool back then) and he mentioned Ice Cube.  I learned he was in N.W.A. and I went out and grabbed a copy of Straight Outta Compton.  Unfortunately, I bought it at K-Mart, so it was edited.  But the music was still infectious.  I must've have spent a month trying to memorize every single rhyme on that record.

There were a lot of stupid reasons we dug rap.  There was a lot of swearing, and when you're a peanut-headed teen-age idiot like me, you think anything that has profanity in it is cool, 'cuz it pisses off old people.  We liked rap because it was about as far away as you could get from country, the local music of choice.  We liked rap because it was pissed off, and so were we, so we felt a kinship with those rappers.  Yes, we were that lame. 

Soon, I HJH moved away and I stopped listening to rap.  Still, I made sure to get copies of Original Gangster and Straight Outta Compton when I was building my music collection, if for no other reason than for pure nostalgia.  Every once in a while I bust those records out, and I'm surprised by how powerful they still are.  It's kind of a window onto a world I'll never be a part of, even if it's about twenty years out of date.  Not that I'd ever want to be part of that world.  I don't think I'd last a week.  Still, it's kind of fascinating to experience the world through a perspective that's so far removed from my own.                

Pick Six - Week 14

The regular season's drawing to a close, which means you should know which teams are good and which teams are frauds.  But this year, everything seems to be out of whack.  There aren't any dominant teams, and everybody seems vulnerable to slipping up and losing to teams they should beat up on.  Except for the Panthers, because they shouldn't be beating up on anyone.  This week's picks:

Colts @ Titans

Ah, the Sinking Ship Bowl.  The Colts are beat-up and can't run the ball, stop the run, or lately even complete a pass.  The Titans are stuck with Kerry Collins at QB and can't seem to get Chris Johnson going.  Maybe, just maybe, Peyton finds a way to will his team to a win.
Colts 24  Titans 16

Raiders @ Jaguars

Hard to buy the Raiders, even coming off a huge win over San Diego.  The Jags, on the other hand, are running the ball with Maurice Jones-Drew, playing tough D, and getting efficient play from David Garrard.  If they Raiders were doing any of those things consistently, I could see them winning, but they aren't.
Raiders 17  Jaguars 20

Buccaneers @ Redskins

The Bucs aren't beating the good teams but they are beating the teams they should beat.  The Redskins are awful on both sides of the ball.  Could Mike Shanahan be one-and-done in DC?
Buccaneers 20  Redskins 13

Patriots @ Bears

If anyone can fluster Tom Brady, it's Julius Peppers and his buddy-Bears.  Mike Martz needs to resist the urge to out-pass Brady and the Pats.  I think he will.
Patriots 21  Bears 27

Chiefs @ Chargers

So much for Phillip Rivers and the Chargers being invincible in December.  They gotta take their frustrations out on someone, and the Chiefs are coming to town.  Matt Cassell and his pals will put up a fight, but the Chargers prevail.
Chiefs 21  Chargers 30

Eagles @ Cowboys

Sorry.  Just can't buy that Jon Kitna will outplay Michael Vick.  Can't do it.
Eagles 28  Cowboys 20

Last Week: 4-2  Overall 46-32

5 Favorite Songs

It's been a while since I posted a weekly favorite songs list.  Not much has changed.  I still dig metal.  I still occasionally listen to stuff that's not metal.  Pretty simple, really.  Here's this weeks list.

5. "Mr. Bad Luck" from Valleys of Neptune by Jimi Hendrix

4.  "I Wanna Get Married" from Get Away from Me by Nellie McKay

3.  "March of the Fire Ants" from Remission by Mastodon

2. "Metal on Metal" from Metal on Metal by Anvil

1. "Strength in Numbers" from Hymn of a Broken Man by Times of Grace

Crush of the Week!!!!

This week, COTW is givin' it up for the beautiful Amy Adams.  Miss Adams has been working in movies for the past decade, but she really broke through with her performance in Junebug.  She's also had roles in Talladega Nights, Sunshine Cleaning, Night at the Museum 2, and the uber-chick flick Enchanted, and she received an Oscar nomination for her work in Doubt.  She's done TV work, as well appearing on That 70's Show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, and The Office.  You can catch her this weekend in The Fighter.  Yeah, Marky Mark plays a boxer, but we're betting the only knockout in that movie is Amy Adams, this week's Crush of the Week.  

From Hicks to the Heaviest Matter in the Universe - Frankenstrats, Hearing-Impaired Jungle Cats, Some Dude from Jersey

I can still remember the first time Van Halen entered my consciousness.  I was at my Grandma's house, hanging out with my cousin, and she suggested we play some music.  She produced a copy of Van Halen's 1984 on cassette.  The album cover depicted a blonde, toddler-aged angel taking a smoke break.  I was kinda put off by this image.  Though I didn't really understand why, the idea off a baby smoking scared the Hell out of me.

Funny thing is, I was already very familiar with Van Halen's music.  I had seen videos for songs like "Jump" and "Hot for Teacher" on MTV.  I dug Eddie Van Halen.  Everything about him was cool.  The way he smiled as he jammed.  His kick-ass striped guitars.  His energy.  The way he strutted across the table in the "Hot for Teacher" video.  He looked like he was having so much fun.  And the sounds he made come out of his axe... jaw-dropping.  I immediately knew I needed to play electric guitar.  I wanted to be as cool as Eddie Van Halen.  Of course I now know that was impossible. 

Van Halen is what I consider a "gateway metal" band.  It's the same concept as a gateway drug: something that gets you started and leads you to harder stuff, like booze and cigarettes can lead to heavier things like heroine and cocaine.  In Van Halen, I found a band where guitar was a focal point and not a support for the vocalist.  Halen had David Lee Roth making a spectacle of himself, but Eddie's guitar was the real star.  Another "gateway metal" band for me was Def Leppard.  Again, MTV played a big role.  I saw clips for "Rock of Ages" and "Photograph" and was struck by how cool the band looked.  They were waving swords around, dressed up in Union Jacks, and the had monks sing back-up vocals.  Leppard used guitars in a different way than Halen.  Where EVH was all over everywhere, always doing something ear-catching, Lepprard used their axes to build a huge wall of sound that supported their melodies.  It was big and loud, but it was also musical.  They weren't nearly as flashy as Eddie Van Halen, but they still rocked pretty hard.

Although I heard those bands in third or fourth grade, I didn't really get into them until later.  I doubt very much if my folks would've let me listen to that kind of music back then (as I was like 10 or something), and even if they would've, I forgot their names.  But they implanted in my brain a sound that I really loved and that I wanted to hear more of.  And it wouldn't be long until I found it.

In junior high, I went to see the Michael J. Fox flick Secret of My Success.  A song by the same title by the band Night Ranger played a big role in the soundtrack of that movie, and I immediately wanted to hear everything Night Ranger ever did.  Night Ranger was a band that I felt I could get away with listening to.  They didn't have salacious images of smoking toddlers on their album covers.  They were loud and played shredding guitar solos, but they also had some pretty sweet hooks, and they could sing.  I reasoned that if I could get away with having Night Ranger tapes, I could probably get albums by similar-sounding bands and not piss my folks off to the point where they threw out my music. 

I may have loved Night Ranger, but nobody else I knew did, and in junior high, all that really matters is being cool.  All the cool kids seemed to be listening to Bon Jovi.  "You Give Love a Bad Name" was a huge hit at the time, and it seemed like all the kids I wanted to hang out with were singing that song.  I knew if I had any shot at being cool, I had to like Bon Jovi, too.  I don't really think my opinion of Jonny B and his boys has change that much in the subsequent years.  Some of their song are awesome.  "Social Disease", "Living on a Prayer", and "Bad Medicine" are all roof raising anthems of rock that are so hooky and catchy, you'd have to be dead for them not to affect you.  "I'll Be There for You" is one of my all-time favorite rock ballads.  The problem is that when Bon Jovi ain't at their best, the result is fairly forgettable, and they seemed not to be at their best an awful lot on their records.  Too many filler songs.  I just couldn't really get into them.

While I may not have loved Bon Jovi, they were a very important group for one reason: they led me to other bands that I would discover.  Bands that I would really love.  Bands that brought me closer to sound in my head, the sound I really wanted to hear.  Thanks to Bon Jovi, Van Halen, Night Ranger, Def Leppard, and to a lesser extent, bands like Kiss and Whitesnake, I was able to cross through the gateway to the Metal Universe.  Without those bands, I'd probably still like Wham!.  Scary thought.     

     

Makin' Waves in the Kiddie Pool - Chapter 1

How to Train Your Dragon

The Players: Under-sized Viking boy Hiccup (Jay Baruchel), his dad Stoik (Gerard Butler), his blacksmith mentor Gobber (Craig Ferguson), and his dream girl Astrid (America Ferrera)

The Story: Hiccup is a runty kid growing up on an island of dragon-killing vikings.  After bringing down an elusive Night Fury dragon that he names Toothless, Hiccup learns the dragons aren't the evil monsters they've been made out to be.  With help from Toothless, Hiccup sets out to impress Astrid, prove to Stoik he's worth something, and solve his town's dragon problems once and for all.

The Good: There was a lot of good going on in this one.  The animation is beautiful.  The voice performances are spot on.  The action is thrilling, and the jokes are pretty funny.  The flying scenes are excellent, but I'm a sucker for flying scenes in movies.  I mean, I liked the flying stuff in Avatar, and I hated that movie.  And Toothless the dragon reminded me of my mom's cat, Toasty, which was kinda awesome.

The Bad:  Not a lot.  The story was fairly predictable, and at times, John Powell's score is a bit overwhelming when it doesn't need to be.

Lessons learned?:  Being yourself is the best way to be.  Along with that, parents need to let kids be who they are.

Would I Let My (Theoretical) Kids Watch It?:  Sure.  It's a bit tense in places, but it's got a good message.

Would I Watch It Again?:  Absolutely.  I might even buy it. 

"Strength in Numbers"... The Video!!

A while back I tried posting the first single from Times of Grace, a new band featuring ex-Killswitch Engage singer Jesse Leach and current KsE axeman Adam D.  Well, now they've shot a video for the song, and it's pretty cool.  But really, the best part about it is the song.  I am totally stoked for this record and don't know if I can wait another month and a half. 

Pick Six - Week 13

Another good week last week.  Can he keep it going, you ask.  Let's find out.

Texans @ Eagles

The Moo Cows pitched a shut-out last week against the Titans, but defending a third-stringer making his first start just ain't the same as defending Michael Vick.  Eagles get back on track.
Texans 21  Eagles 27

Browns @ Dolphins

The Brownies seem to be a team that plays up or down to the level of their competition, which means they won't be very good this week.  The Fish will struggle to stop Peyton Hillis, but in the end, they'll get it done.
Browns 17  Dolphins 23

Cowboys @ Colts

The Colts can't run.  They can't stop the run.  And lately, they can't even throw the ball that well.  That's bad news.  More bad news: The Cowboys team that comes to Indy this week is playing a lot better since they dumped Wade Phillips.  Will the Colts even win ten games this year?
Cowboys 27  Colts 20

Falcons @ Buccaneers

Sorry.  Just can't buy the Bucs beating the Falcons.
Falcons 17  Bucs 13

Steelers @ Ravens

The Steelers better hope Ben Roethlisberger gets some protection form the o-line.  The Ravens D ain't as good as they once were, but they can still get after you.  Look for James Harrison to get fined again.  My bet is that the fines would stop if JH would stop whining about them so much.
Steelers 13  Ravens 16

Jets @ Patriots

Everybody seems to think the Jets are super-awesome, but they've spent at least the last three weeks playing terrible teams.  Do they deserve the credit they're getting for beating the Browns and Lions in overtime?  Hell, no they don't.  Also, Pats win 'cuz you don't beat Brady and Belichick in their house.
Jets 20  Patriots 30

Last Week: 5-1  Overall 42-30

Crush of the (Half) Week!!!!

This is a couple days late, but COTW thought it would be a good idea to get started up again after a month-long hiatus.  Also, COTW watched Get Him to the Greek this weekend and while it wasn't a great flick, it did feature Rose Byrne as Aldous Snow's ex.  Miss Byrne is very attractive, and that's putting it mildly, but she's also done quite a few cool movies.  She can be seen in Troy, 28 Weeks Later, Sunshine, and she even has a small role in Attack of the Clones.  And next summer, you can catch her playing Moira McTaggart is X-Men: First Class, and that actually might make that movie worth seeing.  Any way, let's have a hand for Rose Byrne, this week's Crush of the (Half) Week!!!!